Talking jargon

A reader contacted me and asked if a recent photograph that showed my brother and I astride a Harley-Davidson had the correct caption about him being a shy and sensitive used car salesman, and if it was true . . . I delve a little deeper into the genteel art of selling secondhand cars.

FIRST things first. Yes, my brother Mike did sell cars for a living at some point in his life — and managed quite comfortably from it, I believe. He assures me he was always entirely honest with the punters, but unable to tell a lie to a lady customer!

“These days, cars are much better than ever before. It’s very, very difficult to ‘clock’ a car (turning the speedo backwards, to give the impression of a lower mileage); service history that is available with every vehicle (via the worldwide trend of VIN numbers) remains the best insurance as to the true identity of the vehicle,” reckons Mike.

He went on to say that one would be amazed as to just how little knowledge people have when selecting a car. A fair percentage of buyers that visited his forecourt reckoned a hot-hatch meant that the vehicle had been stolen, instead of it being a quick performer.

Generally people are often in the dark when it comes to car-speak. I mentioned that the Toyota Tazz over here is known as a “starter pack” in township talk. He thought that was very funny. Some of the motor jargon among fellow car salesmen in the UK bear repeating . . . others do not!

The word “Pinocchio” means a customer who is not telling the truth. A Grinder is a customer who wants more for less, while a Screamer moans about everything. When talking about cars themselves if the dealer mentions a Birthday car, it simply means it’s one that’s been in stock far too long.

If they mumble something about a Spanish gearbox it simply means the car has manual transmission (Manuel, get it?) If they whisper the word Bidet, it means a car in their stock has a rear wash and wipe (ie: has a rear wiper blade.) A Landmark car is one that just won’t sell — could be any amount of reasons for that, though — cars with white paintwork do not sell well in the UK, unlike their counterparts over here.

When a bunch of British shy and sensitive car salesmen get together for a pint (of beer) their technical jargon knowledge really comes to the fore: a Blow-over is a quick respray job on a dodgy car; Drip feed means the customer wants to pay by instalments, ie: finance; while a Duke of Kent refers to the rent, ie: the road tax.

Perhaps the snappiest retorts are to be found when talking money: a George Raft is a banker’s draft; a Bag of Sand is a grand (£1,000), a Gregory is a Gregory Peck, cheque. A Pony means £25, a Jeffrey £2,000 while a Monkey is £500.

On the strength of the above, may I suggest if a description of your dream car appears ambiguous when responding to a car advertisement in the Witness do not be afraid to ask the vendor exactly what he means. I have found in my own dealings over here that car salespeople rarely deliberately bamboozle you into signing up.

The best advice I can offer you if you are looking for a new set of wheels, is to always take a friend or family member along because they’ll offer you an impartial sounding-board — along with an entirely fresh view on questioning the salesperson — or if a private sale, the current owner.

So don’t forget, a SUV is a sports utility vehicle, not a standard urban vehicle, while a high-performance car is one that is powerful and not necessarily fuel-efficient! Happy hunting.